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It Only Hurts When I Breathe

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. Having to wake up tomorrow knowing your child is no longer here. For some parents this nightmare truly does become a harsh reality, whether from sickness or other causes, the loss of a child is never anything less than a tragedy. In this post today we explore one of the leading causes of childhood death, and how it can be prevented. Suicide has been a forefront in the minds of parents from all walks of life these past few years, with so many young people either attempting or following through it’s turned families upside down in mere moments, sometimes with what seems like no warning at all. We wonder why a beautiful young lady would want to take her own life, or a young man, with so much potential what could drive them to believe this is their only way out. The reasons are complex and sometimes we may never know the whole truth behind why our loved one makes this tragic decision. So as we go on right now, we delve in to the statistics, the causes as well as signs that one might exhibit prior to acting on their thoughts and feelings. Our world as a whole must take responsibility for our children, and be their voices on this heart wrenching subject, because we do have the power to prevent it.

According to The Boston Children’s Hospital’s website suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds, and the fourth leading cause of death among 10-14 year olds. They also state that for every completed suicide (most of which are boys), there are upwards of 100 suicide attempts and those attempts are more likely to be carried out by young girls. Children are so very impressionable, and while on the outside, and to onlookers, they may seem happy and content, there are often many things brewing inside. It’s difficult for young kids, especially those who are dealing with bullying or issues with self image or self worth, to ask for help. They may feel lost or hopeless and many times they begin to believe what the bullies are telling them. They view suicide as a means to an end. A way to stop their pain and suffering, often deciding they have no other way out.

The first group of people I would like to address are the children and young adults. The ones who are most at risk of developing thoughts of suicide. You must know that you are not alone. You’re not the first to think you’re fat, or ugly. You’re not the first to be picked on or bullied. Everyone has self-doubt to one degree or another. There is not one person on this earth who is completely happy with the way they look or with who they are. Whether it be their hair, or their bodies. The freckles on their face or the scar their arm. We all have something about our bodies that we wish we could change. Everyone has a different level of understanding, some are good at math while others are good at science. We may lack in areas that our classmates excel. We all find our own talents along the way, but just because you may not have found yours yet doesn’t mean that you won’t. Learning disorders like dyslexia and behavioral problems like ADHD don’t make you stupid or weird. They make you different and they make you special. Being young, your differences are not always qualities that you can appreciate or accept completely, but given time you will learn to love them, as will others around you. All throughout my younger years in grade school, I was picked on. I am a redhead and I have ADHD. I am different. I wear glasses. They called me names, tormented me on the bus, pulled on my braids in class and poked fun at my freckles. Today I am twenty-three, I am the person everybody wants to know. The men think my red hair is attractive and my freckles are “cute.” People love my sense of humor, and my ADHD has allowed me to think outside the box. Being different has given me the opportunity to see the world in a way that others don’t. I am an artist with views and opinions that make others think, I am able to open up new doors, new views for others and I know that I better their lives just by being here. If I had let the bullies win back then, there would be so many people missing out now. I found my purpose as I grew up, and I know that there is a reason I was put on this earth. There is a reason you are all here, too. Somebody loves you more than you know, and the longer you live the more people are going to love you. The more lives you are going to touch, the more more lives you are going to better. There are thousands of people that you haven’t even met yet, that need you on this earth because without you here, there life isn’t going to be complete. You ARE strong, you ARE smart, you ARE beautiful and you ARE loved. Most of all you are needed, and there is someone some where, who needs you to be here if only to change their world for the better and help shape THEM into the person they are supposed to be, just as others will help to shape you into the person you will become.

To the bullies, the ones who push these people to feel this way about themselves, shame on you. Most of the time you’re just children yourself, and I know that you’re insecure and that you’re looking for answers to who you are and where you fit in. There are better ways to go about it. As peers in school, you have so much more power over the other kids than you realize. You can make or break them simply by deciding whether you want to be a friend, or a bully. Each and every child in should take a moment every day before they head off to their classes in the morning and ask themselves, “do I want to be the reason someone takes their own life?” Because if you decide that putting someone down is okay, then every time you do it, that is the risk you’re taking. Often times children bully because they have things going on in their own lives that make them feel insecure and hurt. These bullies, in so many cases, are in pain themselves. If you are that person, then ask for help. You’re important too. Everything I said in the paragraph above applies to you as well. You deserve the chance to live your life knowing how much you’re worth and how important you are in this world. But under no circumstances is it ever okay to belittle or hurt someone else in order to build yourself up. As hard as it is to understand at such a young age, you could do so much more in this world, and make a bigger difference in each other’s lives if you came together, than you will ever do tearing each other apart. Learn from the examples set forth by the generations that came before you. The anti-slavery movement, women’s rights advocates, The Revolutionary War. These people stood up for each other and did what was right. They empowered each other, and the world became a better place because of them. You have the power inside each and every one of you to be a hero. It’s up to you if you’re going to be that hero, or if you want to be the person who looks at themselves in the mirror someday and doesn’t like what they see. If you found out that the person you are bullying was getting physically abused at home, wouldn’t you tell someone? If you’re bullying them, then YOU are the abuser. It’s an amazing feeling to look back when all is said and done, and know that in the end you did something worth while. Grow up being the kind of person that YOU can be proud of, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If it doesn’t feel right to you, it probably isn’t.

As parents, we can be our child’s best advocate. Though your children may not want you to get involved, for fear that it will only make things worse, as a parent you must follow your instincts. You know your child better than anyone, and you will more than likely see the first signs that something is wrong. They may be more withdrawn, they may start giving their things away, or they might even be more attentive and loving than usual. Attempts to assure you and others of their love for you, if out of character can be a red flag. Other verbal clues like “I’d be better off dead” or “you’ll be sorry when I’m gone” should never be ignored. These signs, though easy to miss, can mean they are starting to say their good-byes. Suddenly getting into trouble, at home or school, or even legal trouble is a sign that you should begin worrying about their mental health. While most children who act out, are simply going through a phase, many children who contemplate suicide act out in the attempt to distance themselves from their loved ones. They subconsciously believe that doing so will make their death easier to take, and less tragic. Talking to your child about suicide, like any other touchy subject should be handled carefully. Sometimes just coming right out and asking “are you planning on committing suicide?” Is the best course of action. Don’t fear putting the idea into their heads, if they’re going to do it the idea was already there, otherwise the only thing your putting in their head is that it’s okay to talk to you. Openly asking your son or daughter about suicide, without fear or disapproval shows them that you are taking their feelings seriously. It can be enough to make them open up and tell you the truth. If there is any doubt in your mind, or you believe you have any reason to worry, seek help immediately. A child who is serious about it usually has a plan. It’s likely that they won’t wait long after they know you suspect, and the chances of them successfully following through are too great to chance it. A child who openly says they want to kill themselves, isn’t always saying it for the attention, and these verbal cues should always be taken seriously before they turn into actions. Many times a child who says they want to die, or makes an attempt at taking their life is screaming out for help. Sometimes kids will use these lines to seek attention, and it’s easy to brush it off. While it’s likely that if they are saying it instead of doing it means they are simply acting out, are you willing to bet their life on it?
School officials should offer support for any child that seems depressed, or in any way upset. They should always offer counseling and teachers should check in with any student that they notice having difficulties in school, or students that are more closed off from their peers. These kids are at a higher risk for suicide because they don’t have the social interaction that the other children get, and they may be getting bullied, or they may be having difficulties at home. If the child is uncomfortable speaking with a school counselor, they should be urged to talk to their parents or a family doctor. Anyone that the child trusts will suffice. It’s important to urge the child to get help in any circumstance that may put the child’s mental health at stake. Teachers are usually trained to handle this sort of thing, but with so many kids in a class it can easily slip by. Offering to be that friend or trusted person can sometimes work, however some kids can have trouble talking to a teacher, or another adult that they view as an authority figure. Teachers should openly communicate with parents for any child who seems off, or shows a sudden change is personality or school work. Following the school’s particular guidelines on suicide prevention and parent-teacher communication can go a long way in nipping these situations in the bud. It’s important that there be a multi-faceted approach to suicide prevention that includes support from family and friends, as well as teachers coupled with the medical attention one needs to help them work through this difficult time. Everyone must be on the same page in order to ensure the child’s safety and well-being in all environments while they recover from the trauma and learn how to cope, and handle, their thoughts and feelings.

As for children, if you notice your friend acting strangely, or if they say or do anything that makes you worry about their safety you should always tell someone. Whether that someone is a teacher, your parent or theirs, telling someone could mean the difference between having your friend around or losing them. Parents should also educate their children about the signs of depression and problems in other kids so they know about what to look or in their friends and others that they care about. You should urge your child to be open with you if they should ever suspect something like this is going on, and assure them that they are doing the right thing. Letting them know and teaching them to understand that having a mad friend is always better than having a dead friend, can go a long way in curbing suicide amongst young people, as children tend to open up about these things to their friends much easier and much sooner than they do to anyone else. It’s also very important to get children the proper help and guidance when mourning the loss of a friend or loved one to suicide. This may heighten your child’s risk of developing suicidal thoughts, as it can be highly devastating and confusing to a child. Their minds can wander to places that make them wonder what it might feel like, or if it might be the answer to their own problems. Children who have family member that have committed suicide are at a higher risk of suicide themselves and should be watched closely by their friends and family and changes in behavior or personality should be noted, and taken seriously. Teaching your child how to be a good friend is an important step in them learning how to deal with these situations. As parents we all want our child to be an upstanding citizen, however that can be more difficult at a young age than we realize. Letting them know that being a good friend means always putting safety first is a priority in what we must teach our children. While being able to keep a secret and establish trust is of utmost importance it can hinder the child’s ability to come forth in a situation that can mean life or death. Setting a clear line for kids on what is okay to keep quiet and what should be told to an adult immediately, will help them differ between the two. Each parent must figure out when their child is emotionally ready to handle this conversation, and how to go about teaching them these lessons.

Parents as well as friends and school officials should always listen to what children are saying, and always take what they say seriously. Even if you think your child would never do something like that, you can never be too cautious. A child’s brain is still developing past their teen years, and as such it’s constantly changing. From one moment to the next they may not feel the same. Think of it as being akin to having bi-polar disorder. They don’t have the capacity to control their thoughts and emotions in the same way that a fully developed, healthy, adult brain does. This can lead to dangerous, sometimes fatal consequences and you can’t always rely on your child to come to you in difficult situations, no matter how much you have imprinted on them that you are always there for them. Most often these kids feel they are protecting you simply by keeping quiet. You must go to them, keep your eye on them and do your best to know what’s going on in their lives. Be their friend second, and their parent first. Educate yourself on the signs and how to talk to a child who may be contemplating suicide. Find the resources available to you in case you or someone you know should ever need them. You can’t be too careful when it comes to the fragile minds of children. They rely on us to be their advocates, to understand them to the best of our ability and to be able to get down to their level in order to help them emerge from whatever difficulties they are going through. Children can’t always see past tomorrow, and sometimes suicide winds up being the only thing they can see to end their pain and suffering. Let’s give them something else to look forward to. A life full of love, and people who are willing, ready and able to do whatever it takes to help them.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – This resource is for those who are either thinking of committing suicide and need help, or for those who know someone who is or think they may. They offer information as well as a hot-line that you can call, the number is below as well. They also have a live chat available on the website for anyone who isn’t comfortable talking on the phone about the problems they are having. This organization is here to help anyone who is in a crisis and wants everyone to know they are not alone. They are here for you 24/7.
     National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone #: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

The Society for Prevention of Teen Suicide – This website has many helpful tips and links available to parents. Everything from videos to printouts. It’s a wonderful resource for a parent who may not quite know how to start the conversation with their child on suicide, or what to do after. It also has some good advice for those who’s child may be grieving after losing a friend or family member to suicide.

Helguide.org – A website that provides resources for parents on the signs and symptoms of childhood depression, as well as what to watch out for when it comes to suicide and how to approach the situation if it should arise.

CDC Website on Suicide – A wealth of information covering the many aspects of suicide, including statistics, prevention strategies, data and many other resources.

No Mercy

If you’ve ever fallen down, maybe landed on your knee or elbow, then you know what a bruise feels like. Tender to the touch, and depending on the location just moving that part of your body can mean pain. Your never quite as aware of your body parts as you are when they hurt. Imagine that bruise getting bigger, spreading. Imagine it engulfing your entire body into a envelope of sensitivity and wide-spread pain and anguish. Now imagine it being invisible, so that only you know it’s there and nobody else can see it. That’s what it’s like having Fibromyalgia. A chronic, invisible illness characterized by wide-spread pain and tenderness along with many other symptoms.

I was diagnosed in 2008 when I was just 18 years old, though I can remember having pain much younger than that. I eventually went to the doctors to seek help when I realized that after dropping out of high school, and failing to hold down a job my life was just going down the drain at an astonishing rate. I was tired all the time, my muscles were in a constant state of cramping. It was as if I had had the flu for five years and it just wasn’t going away. One might wonder why I hadn’t seeked help prior to that first visit in 2008. The answer is pretty simple. I was a teenager with a bad attitude, I assumed my issues were due to depression. I figured they would take care of themselves if and when I got my life back on track. However, that didn’t look like it was happening, since I was spending the majority of my time in bed or trying to ease the pain. So I swallowed my pride and asked for help.

The diagnoses came pretty quick, after ruling out the more “serious” conditions, it was pretty obvious that Fibromyalgia was the culprit. I had all the symptoms and they were severe enough to convince the doctor that no further testing was needed. So we started on the path of treatment, which unbeknownst to me was the point at which my life would take a devastating turn for the worse. Often times with Fibromyalgia comes a condition known as Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, or MCS. This means that my body reacts to chemicals, be it medications, cleaning products or even food sometimes, more dramatically than it should and at a much lower threshold than a normal person’s would. The first medication I tried was Amitryptiline, a low class antidepressant sometimes used off-label to ease neurological pain. This medication did nothing to help with my pain, but it did leave me completely incapacitated. Within 20 minutes of taking it I was unable to stand on my own, and would have to lay down and go to bed. This is a reaction far beyond the normal drowsiness one might expect as a side effect.

The trial and error went on with several more medications, Lyrica, Savella, you name it. Each came with it’s own set of problems, and each had to be stopped before it really had a chance to work. In the mean time my symptoms weren’t getting any better. The pain remained at an 8+, the fatigue was awful no matter how much I slept, I still felt as if I hadn’t slept a wink. I couldn’t function as my memory was shot. They call this “brain fog.” I would lose things, misplace them and look for them for hours only to find them later in the very place I had looked ten times. The mood swings were awful, happy one minute and sad the next.

My support system was few and far between, because at that point nobody really knew what was going on with me. My family didn’t understand what Fibromyalgia was, they had never heard of it, and they didn’t know how it could affect you. My doctors had all but given up on me, and being so young I wasn’t given any access to pain medication. My life was at a standstill and I felt as if I was only sinking deeper.

Today my support system is much better. I have my family on my side, though they don’t all know my struggles. I tend not to complain too much, since many people are still in the dark about this hidden illness and it’s not easy for people to understand how someone can be so sick, when they look just fine on the outside. I have a loving and supportive man in my life, who does everything he can to help me. I am still in pain every single day, and tired all the time. I have not yet found medication that helps, and I am still unable to get access to pain medication to ease the flare ups. My doctor gives me muscle relaxants, but they only help sometimes and they mostly just make me really drowsy the next day.

I saw a quote one time online, a doctor/scientist had said about Fibromyalgia…”Never before has the medical field seen an illness with the pain of cancer, that doesn’t kill you.”

I have never had cancer, and I thank God every day for that, but I do have Fibromyalgia. There are some days where I wonder if another disease might be easier to accept, sometimes it’s easy for me to think that at least then, I could see an end. I put that thought out of my head as soon as it comes in, but with Fibromyalgia, there is no end. I will live in pain for the rest of my life. There will be good days and bad days, but everything I do, every plan I make, every second of every day will revolve around my illness. That’s a lot to have to accept. But I have a lot of people rooting for me, and too much to live for to give up.

Religious Hypocrisy

Sometimes being human means giving in to human nature, in that in each and every way, we are completely and utterly imperfect. We can shoot for the stars, earn our PhD., preach from The Bible or put our noses up the air and look down on everyone around us. Fact of the matter is, it still doesn’t make you better. Knowing the definition of “myocardial infarction” doesnt make you smarter than a 5th grader. Being able to recite Revelations 1:5-10 doesn’t make you holier than thou. In fact, a majority of the world’s problems stem from the very fact that these so-called “experts” think they know the difference between right and wrong for not only themselves but for everyone else as well.

I’d like to keep this post on a more religious base, so let me just start by saying you’re all wrong. And by “you”, I mean all the religious and non-religious people out there who think it’s ok to point the finger and decide who’s going to hell, and who gets a one way ticket to the promised land. Who gave you that right? No where in the bible does it give detailed instructions on how to weed out the hell bound, aside from about 600 rules and regulations that nobody follows to a tee.

Religion has gone from a simple lifestyle to living a life of hypocrisy. I see it on a daily basis. Preach one thing and do another. Don’t judge, don’t lust, don’t do this or that. While all the while I watch people go about their days doing the very things they preach against with conviction. It angers me most because many times these hypocritical actions have been against me, not moments after having heard them with my own ears from that same person. I watch people hide behind their religion, afraid to step over line. Lying in some cases and hiding things because the things they do are sins. They are afraid to be themselves, because they’re taught that who they’ve become is viewed as bad, evil…a sinner! Religion should be freeing and comforting, not damning and oppressive.

What really gets me is the way some people can judge someone based solely on their religious background. Its like they don’t even have to get to know you anymore. “Oh, he/she’s a christian/jew/catholic” and that’s all they need to know. It’s arrogant. A persons worth is not based on how they worship God, it is based on how they treat people. If you deny yourself a friendship because that person is not of your faith, or believes differently than you, you could be missing out on one of the best people in the world.

Let’s touch base again on the “I’m right, you’re wrong” aspect of this whole religion thing. You ask someone, how do you know you’re right? Often times they answer with a quote from The Bible and an explanation as to how that translates into what they believe. If I take that very same quote, and I bring it to 100 different people, I could get 100 different opinions on what that verse means. Did anyone ever think that maybe…just maybe, The Bible was meant to be a GUIDE to each individual person, to help them along the way and lead them on a moral path to God? A way to help us form a personal relationship with Him in whatever way we choose? Maybe it wasn’t necessarily meant to be a one-size fits all, blanket answer for all of life’s problems. Maybe there isn’t just one meaning, one definition for every part of it. Because I just can’t wrap my head around why this book could have been intended to cause all the problems, war, hatred and controversy that it has caused.

Maybe we are all wrong, or maybe no one is. But whatever the end result it is not for us to decide. We don’t get to choose which translation is correct or which rules each person should follow. We don’t get to judge another for the religious choices they have made. People should learn to live and let live. Stop shoving religion down other peoples throats, do your own thing and let everyone else do theirs. Above all else live by the age old rule…if you can’t say anything nice, just keep your mouth shut and don’t say anything at all. I have always believed that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I also believe that you lose the right to voice yours when you use it to hurt someone. But if you can’t hold your tongue, then you deserve whatever is coming to you. People should support eachother, not knock eachother down and tell eachother they’re wrong. It is our natural born right to love and worship God in our own way, in our own time. Nobody was born with a crown of thorns, so nobody should be acting like they have the power to decide anyone’s fate.

She Calls Me Mommy

As a child growing up, I aspired to be many things. In school you’re taught to dream big, think outside the box. You learn math, science and english. For the many years I spent on my educational career, when I dropped out of high school and realized what that meant for my future, it didn’t take me long to figure out that all those big dreams I had for myself had all but gone down the drain. Sure, I had my GED, but aside from the lack of a high school diploma, battling Fibromyalgia and Migraines made every day life a nightmare. I didn’t dare to dream there could be something out there for me. Even my wild, free-spirited imagination couldn’t fathom the idea of what was about to come. I mean come on, me, a mom? Right! I had become the girl with no future, the spirited rebel. My self esteem was lacking in every possible way, and I didn’t see it getting better any time soon.

So in 2010 when my boyfriend and I got pregnant, it took me a little while to get used to the idea of someone calling me Mommy. For the first six months or so of the pregnancy, I can recall almost avoiding eye contact with people who would want to talk about the baby, or touch my belly. I guess in a lot of ways I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Like I didn’t deserve my baby. After a while I sort of settled in, but the feelings came and went, and then when she was born, they came back full force. The first time I saw her, when they handed her to me and laid her on my chest and I kissed her forehead, that was the moment I started to believe in love at first sight. I recognized her instantly. It was as if I had always known every inch of her, and I couldn’t imagine her looking any other way. She was mine and she was perfect. 

The “new mom” high wore off pretty quickly, and I soon started getting anxious to go home. I was never very good at staying in one place very long, and I couldn’t stand feeling trapped. I wanted the freedom to come and go as I pleased, and the opportunity to leave my baby with whomever I wanted without asking a nurse to keep her while I went outside. I began getting very agitated, to the point of yelling at Evan and making him tell the nurses that I wanted my discharge papers immediately. Looking back now, and thinking about the postpartum depression papers they make you fill out before you leave the hospital, I wish I had been more honest while doing it. It might have saved me a lot of problems in the long run, but I was convinced the problems to come were my fault, and not the result of a medical condition. 

By the time we returned home, I was sleep deprived and so was Evan. The baby had done nothing but cry for 24 hours, and the only reason the hospital staff could offer us was my smoking while pregnant with her. (I think this is where the blaming myself first began.) We learned later on that she had thrush, a yeast infection in her mouth causing her pain. She was subsequently diagnosed with cow’s milk protein allergy and ended up on Enfamil Nutramigen AA, a formula that is available by prescription only, costing upwards of $80 a can. She was cranky all the time. There were so few times that I actually got to just sit there and cuddle her that when I did, I would let someone else hold her, because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. After all, it was my fault she was going through all of this, wasn’t it?

After a few weeks on the Nutramigen, she began to settle down and get better. She started sleeping better at night, and sometimes I would stay up all night long by that point just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the broken sleep. My relationship with Evan had suffered tremendously by then, no matter what he did or how hard he tried to help, I would snap at him. I didn’t accept help well, I felt that since I caused the problem it was my responsibility to fix it. My Mom had always been good at calming her, but even that would make me mad simply because I felt she was taking care of my problems for me. I was blaming myself for something I had no control over. I know that now, but at that point the postpartum depression was taking me over.

Then one day it just hit me. I was missing out on everything. I was watching my little girl grow up, looking from the outside in, because I was too upset with myself to really pay attention. She has always been so smart, right from day one. The day she was born she learned how to roll over, almost rolling off the weight scale and scaring one of the nurses in training so badly, that she requested a transfer to pediatrics. She learned to hold her own bottle at 2 months old. I never once had to support her head for her. By 3 months old, she was standing up while holding onto something, talking at 4 months, crawling at 5 months, walking on her own at 7 months, running at 8 months. She has amazed me from the very first day I laid eyes on her.

Before she learned to talk vocally, we would communicate with sign language. She knew eat, more, please, thank you, mom, dad, milk, and a couple more. As soon as she learned to talk she took off like crazy. Even to this day being almost three, people still can’t believe she talks so well. She surpasses all her doctors’ expectations every time they see her. She has her daddy’s teeth and smile, his brown hair and amazing eyes, but she has my sarcastic attitude and never ending strength and ability to read people. We have been working on more sign language and every time I teach her a new sign, she uses it fluently that same day. She speaks proper english better than most adults. She can keep up a conversation better than most adults I’ve met, and she is the number one most important thing in my life. If there is one thing I have learned from my daughter it’s that nothing is more important than keeping my little girl and her amazing daddy as close as I can, and never letting either of them forget how much they are loved and how much they are needed.

I know that while she’s growing up I may not be the best role model in the world, but I hope that she will learn from my mistakes and use them to better her own life. I hope that I can teach her strength and what it means to be a survivor. I want her to learn that it doesn’t matter what others think, what matters is what you know, and that as long as you know that you are doing the right thing then you never give up. One thing I want to teach her more than anything else is that while judging others is a human trait, it doesn’t make it OK, and that nothing your going through is worse than what someone else is going through. Each and every person is just as important as the next, and everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. It’s never your job to decide whether or not what they’re going through is important, whether or not it’s real, made up, or all in their head. The right thing to do is to love unconditionally, and treat them as you would want to be treated. Because you never know how many people have already judged them, hurt them, and made them feel less than before you. You never know how much your friendship and support could mean to them. I want to teach my daughter to be the kind of person, the kind of friend so many people need, but not many people get to have. Selfless, giving and supportive.

To this day, looking back on all the things I wanted to be growing up, a veterinarian, a forensic scientist, a photographer. It still amazes me that my biggest accomplishment in life is 3 years old, 27lbs with deep brown eyes and she calls me mommy. I never though I’d be a mom, but I am and I’m good at it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, no matter how hard it gets, I have come to realize that I deserve every one of those hugs she gives me, every one of those kisses and every amazing little moment when she melts my heart so much I can’t help but cry happy tears. I know now that I deserve her, because in the end when I am gone, and she’s out on her own, I will have been a part of raising an amazing young woman who will do great things in this life. I will have been a part of everything she goes on to contribute to this world. That’s enough for me, it’s what God wanted when he blessed me with this chance of a lifetime, and the most amazing gift, my little girl.